My beautiful sister is guest blogging during her teacher training to bring the experience to life for others who may be curious.
Writing about this journey in the middle of it feels like describing what a half baked cake tastes like… I know there is much more to come but finished week 1! The weekend was amazing – amazingly exhausting, amazingly inspiring, amazingly connecting. One of the things about YTT is you learn how to use your language with intention, so today my word of chose is amazing. I actually have this sadness that we don’t have training this weekend. My fellow teachers in training seem to already hold a special place in my heart. We can go from laughing together to crying with one another in several minutes. This Wednesday we all got to teach for the first time and, as our teacher stated, we will never have to teach for the first time again!
What was it like when she called my name?
I had been practicing; the sequence played over in my head as a slept, as I ate, as I drove… My biggest fear was my teacher finding my thing… you know that “tell” the one that comes out when you are nervous. For some it is “um” others it is “like” or “good”…. I do everything in my power to not put myself in situations where others will see where I still need to grow, I want to be fully developed in all areas before coming out. There is not a lot of freedom in that. I fear not being heard, but even greater, I fear not being deserving of being listened to because I am not confident enough, or interesting enough, or worthy enough. So there I was standing ready, ready for them to find that thing that meant I was a fake, a sham, not special, not unique. The next four minutes was going to reveal every deep insecurity that I had and rejection was inevitable. So I didn’t feel my body, I didn’t breath but I also did not run away… I just went for it. The four minutes ended and there was clapping and I sat back down. I messed up a few things and feedback was given. But the realization that I wasn’t naked standing in front of the class exposed didn’t come until I started to listen to others. Not to compare better or worse, but to see human in all of us. All of us are starting at a different space and have different things to work on but no one is deserving of being a teacher more then the other. We are all learning.